Lately I've been spiraling a lot about the idea of perception, largely catalyzed by my sweet, sweet (ex) therapist's astute observation that much of my deep rooted insecurity and anxiety comes from a fear of being seen. From what I understand, it's a chicken and egg sort of deal, set off by some childhood scenario in which I felt that being vulnerable would expose me to the sinking venomous judgmental teeth of my peers or my parents or whatever. Who really knows.
Sidebar: While I'm at it, let me set the record straight: my 'ex' therapist is my 'ex' because i ghosted her. no hate, all love. just probably undiagnosed ADHD or something.
But oh MY did that awaken something within me. Why did I spend so my years of my life hiding behind oversized clothes and faux sourires? Looking at the space between people's eyebrows intently as they spoke so that they wouldn't see my own eyes frantically search for the next thing to say? In my short lived experience (24 years, not to brag), its only been within the last year that I think I've begun to shake that feeling. Begun to understand that the more I am unashamedly and unabashedly myself the more I create room for the people and things that belong in my life. To be known is to be loved!! And while the whole "you can't love someone else until you love yourself" rhetoric is annoying, I guess it might be true??
Don't quote me on that, though. I've only been at this whole self love stuff for a few months and it's fucking hard. That said, I started this site blog thing, whatever it may become, and that's not nothing.
Signing off,
Char
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